“What if the only medication we need is Love?”
Bi polar or a blessing?
This story is about my personal revolution/evolution/awakening/realization, that I can be everything that I choose to be. I can literally change the chemistry in my brain with the thoughts I create. That destiny is only the seeds, which are planted in my conciseness by the environment I have been surrounded by. Fulfilling them only depends on my desire and will to diligently water as they fruit dreams that could not possibly be imagined before. Can this life long journey be real, filled with multiple realities, surroundings, different entities, as nothing stays the same and nothing is what is expected. Did I really chose to embrace change, this pain yet so beautiful It causes me to question, is there such thing as fate? What is faith? Realizing that I should be careful what I ask for, the power is within my choices. Not understanding this before, fate was never my own. It was painful to discover faith, not in politics, religion, friends, a lover, or family but in myself. I had to take responsibility for my thoughts. I had to decipher which thoughts came from my heart or mind, which ones were based on love or fear? Did they originate from me in the first place; for some reason my gut knew I had to challenge them all. I had to find my truth know matter what the consequences were, deprograming what was no longer useful to my greatest good.
Now that I finally know where this journey is leading. It feels like fate, my destiny to share this story with you. Or just a random MOMENT sparking my first manic episode at a bikini bar planting this crazy idea to write a book called crazy girls and finding the common ground, changing the direction of my life forever. No matter the club was called Crazy Girls, I was determined to find my answer “WHAT IS THE COMMON GROUND?” and what do these crazy girls have to do with anything. Having had a hard time with women my whole life i would still Fall in love time after time with girls that did not love me, 30 years old I would yet to have a girlfriend. Friends would tell me to stop putting them on a pedestal, which made know sense in my mind. Am I a hopeless romantic or hopeful romantic? I wanted to respect women how I wanted a man to respect my mother, like a goddess queen or maybe thats just for the movies? Always feeling I was treated as a poor lonely peasant because this is what I always believed I was. Most women still showed me kindness and compassion, often falling into that friend zone territory. The nice guys purgatory, the middleman to get your friends laid by the women you think you love. Yep, the friend zone kind of sucks. I became bitter and angry about it, blaming it on anyone else but myself. I did not want to be treated with compassion I wanted be treated as a king. Well, At least get laid every once in a while, was that too much to ask? How does one turn him self from a peasant to a king? I had to transform my self into a warrior first to gain the confidence to be my own king. I did not physically fight any one; it was a battle for my mind, Fighting for my heart screaming to be free. My kindness and sensitivity had been considered a weakness before, easy to manipulate or take advantage of, until I learned how to turn them it into my greatest strengths. Kill them with kindness as they say. The more self-love found the less and less I cared about the outsider’s judgments. The more I learned to control my own emotions the more freedom I earned.
It took 5 years after the thought to write these first words, with a new title; “Removing The Beast”. Not a book smart kind of guy, I have always learned best by experience. I really have to get dirty to soak it all in. I have read very few books, and have been in resource classes (classes for kids classified as slow) as a child. The seed of my low self esteem, where I felt I was dumber than everyone else, feeling like I had to work twice as hard. Not only that, the teachers tried to classify me as a paranoid schizophrenic, just because I thought I heard voices call my name in class one day. Trusting the teacher I told her and she freaked out on my parents. My rebellious father said “fuck that” and went to a psychic, calming my father down he said “don’t worry, your son is going through a hard time and those voices were his angels guiding him. He will be making movies when he grows up”. I went to a child psychologist but never was put on any medication or officially diagnosed with any mental illness. Discouraged, by the time I got in high school I decided to stop trying. Play sports, smoke weed and have fun with my friends became my priorities. The only (A) I got was a film class elective that introduced the film world to me. Filming and editing goofy Kung Fu movies with my buddies was the only class I enjoyed. There was no book or teacher that could give me the answer to any of my life questions at that time anyways. These answers were deep down in depths of my soul, past my ego, whom I thought I was and whom I thought I would be.
Starting in 2012 to now I have been in 4 psychiatric hospitals and the Twin towers correctional facility for 31 days having extreme Manic episodes. This was a self-proclaimed quest terrifying my friends and family. They would believe I have lost control, mentally sick??? To me I was purging the sickness clearing this dark cloud that has been fallowing me since childhood. My soul was screaming at my spirit to take control. The lack of confidence, insecurities, passivness and fear is what led me into the strip clubs in the first place. I needed to remove this beast to truly grow, Transforming them into metaphysical entities Fears became demons; the devil was the root of my fears. Jesus and archangel Michael were my trainers helping me face them. Preparing me to help usher in heaven on earth, a new way to perceive life. Believing that heaven and hell is created by thoughts and which thoughts I chose to act upon, understanding the consequence of each. No real religious background except visiting my friend’s churchy youth events every so often, I never fully read the bible or any other form of religious text. It was all the people I have met during this life’s journey who have created every single character in this poetic graphic novel! It has been truly magical going through this process of creation and I am incredibly honored and humbled to be able to share my story with you. Thank you and I hope you enjoy!!!